Mark Steel: My rule-proof guide to lockdown confusion – if you can understand it
Oh no! How could this happen?
The virus seems to have spread even faster in the areas where the lockdown has been brought back – and scientists are saying it’s because there is “confusion” about the rules. But the rules are simple.
To start with, the maximum number of people allowed in a room is nought.
So if you find yourself in a room, you must leave immediately.
You can go to work, but not to the pub – unless you work at the pub.
So if you’re a builder you can go to the pub as long as you demolish the wall while you’re drinking.
If you are Christian, you must inform Jesus he can’t be with you for 14 days, unless he’s in your bubble.
But even then he cannot lay his hands upon you, unless it’s to cure you.
This must be done by booking a slot at a healing centre, which you must search for online, where you will be told the nearest place to find Jesus currently is Plymouth.
And there’s a three-month waiting list.
Only four people are permitted within a degree of longitude, so if you are in Manchester you must check with the Foreign Office to see if anyone is in Guernsey or Morocco at the time.
And if there is, you must leave immediately for Russia. But you must get there without travelling.
Local guidelines will be published in the future, so you are advised to guess what they are.
But if you are from an area with local restrictions, such as the North East or China, you must immediately come from somewhere else, such as the Cotswolds.
The guidance that you must go to work, and that you must not go to work, have changed so often in some areas that you must go to work and not be at work at the same time.
If you are in an area like this, you must cease to exist for 14 days or risk arrest by the police, who will then release you as they’re not allowed to be at work.
The maximum number of people allowed in your bubble is six, though you can have 15 people at a wedding.
So if you want to invite more than six to your bubble, you must marry one of them.
If you divorce at the end of the evening there could be a fierce legal battle as to who has custody of the bubble.
So if you want to carry on enjoying yourselves, it makes more sense for one of you to murder the other, as 30 people are allowed at funerals.
However, there are strict rules about singing, which is completely banned.
Unless you’re singing Rule Britannia as that makes the virus patriotic and only infects foreigners.
If you’ve been within two metres of a bee, you must move to Peterborough.
And Stanley Johnson is entitled to do whatever he likes.
As long as he goes on Good Morning Britain afterwards and says: “I’m Stanley Johnson, so I’ll do whatever I bloody well like.”
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