Donald Trump has found the secret ingredient to beating coronavirus – he’s too stupid to notice how bad it is
The 45th President of the United States of America has done something which has eluded every doctor and scientist on the planet.
He’s become the first old, fat, man in the world to beat coronavirus all by himself.
With just the power of his mind, he convinced doctors to declare him well, attracted cheering crowds, and has recorded videos proving that all that’s changed is he’s had to remove that penis-pretence of a tie.
Which just goes to show, you could make deep-sea submarines out of the uncrushable willpower generated by your average toddler.
And all he needed to help him with this incredible medical achievement was a team of doctors, each with responsibility for looking after an individual organ.
Oh, and being surrounded by hundreds of soldiers. And a personal squad of Marines. And hermetically-sealed bomb-proof cars, 2 doses of weapons-grade oxygen, and a private hospital ward all to himself. Nothing your average American will ever see, never mind buy.
And some helicopters. A 24-hour drone patrol, and enough secret service bodyguards that if you order 6 of them to take a virus for you there’ll be plenty more to take their place while they all head into a two-week quarantine, or hospital, depending on their body mass index.
Who needs the secret service, when you can defeat a virus in hand-to-hand combat all by yourself?
Trump’s amazing health victory has been helped, ever so slightly, by 9 different treatments, a steroid usually given to people on ventilators, 2 experimental drugs to boost his immune response, a drip, a sleep aid, and a drug aimed at helping him keep his dinner down.
The fact that most of his country is staying at home and James Bond just entered early retirement is, to judge from the astonishing medical recovery he has made in the first 4 days of a 20-day disease, entirely coincidental.
It just goes to show what someone can achieve, if they’re given state-funded healthcare, proper public housing, and a sweetheart deal from the taxman.
Shame he’s spent the past 4 years trying to deny all that to Americans, but hey-ho.
Trump’s physical strength has been boosted by the great patriots gathered outside his hospital window, honking their horns and yelling crap at each other all night long, just as a sick 74-year-old whose continued existence their world-view relies on is trying to get some shut-eye.
That can be the only reason he needs something to help him sleep – he’s just so enlivened by all the love being fired at him by people who last week thought covid was a hoax and this week are so incredibly happy he went to hospital because he’s not ill.
Thoughts and prayers, as the Trumpkins have so often said, are all that’s needed to fix major injury, be it bullet holes or the clotting of microscopic blood vessels all over your body.
And so it has proved to be, with the most important and well-protected human in the world probably suffering insomnia, vomiting, lung damage, breathing issues, and an immune response so bad they’ve had to shoot him up with two unproven medicines.
Still, at least he wasn’t pictured being stretchered out of the White House, which has a fully-equipped medical unit entirely capable of delivering all the above care.
He walked out, waving, to a military hospital which has a little more equipment if things get worse, which they won’t because he’s getting better. He makes great decisions about his medical care. His current doctor specialises in osteopathy, and prescribed him hydroxychloroquine when it makes no difference; his previous doctor was said by colleagues to be “flat-out unethical” and hand out baseless prescriptions, too.
The White House medical staff also have an irritating duty under the 25th amendment of the US Constitution to report on the president’s health to his cabinet, should anyone wish to relieve him of power.
But even that may not be quite so important to Trump as the twin attractions, if he went to hospital, of generating enough drama to knock discussion of his tax returns off the news, and hiding behind a load of soldiers just when it looks like everything’s going to kick off.
On the upside, he gets to meet as many key workers as possible and become a super-spreader, the best spreader, no-one spreads like him, you can guarantee it, everyone says he’s the superest of all super-spreaders.
Trump managed all of this without any of that silly book-learning that he’s managed to avoid ever since paying someone else to sit his exams for him.
All he needed were some doctors prepared to talk absolute bollocks, and he’s surely planning a tweet claiming that his girth and age were the things that SAVED him, whatever those silly statistics say.
Which doesn’t quite answer the question why, if he is as well as they say, he didn’t walk out, socially distanced, to wave to the crowds – thereby proving the point, and protecting his bodyguards from possible infection?
For some reason, he had to sit down, in a vehicle that contains medical equipment.
For some reason, his videos show a man with a hoarse voice and lowered head.
And for some reason, the story being woven about his stupendous health is falling apart the same way as his early presidential medical reports from physicians who later claimed Trump had written them himself.
And it’s for the same reason as he caught covid in the first place – a level of stupidity so great that it fails to plan, even the littlest bit, for the possibility of being wrong.
Trump never doubted covid was a flu, even when it became a vascular disease. He never changed his mind that deaths would be kept to five figures, even as they burst through it, or that it was necessary to wear a mask even when surrounded by people who were infected. He never divided his staff, so that if one team succumbed the other could run the country.
And he’s not wondering, now, what’ll happen to these lies if things get worse.
Wishing covid away doesn’t work. And it kills the stupid just as easily as it does fat, old, men.
Self-doubt is a survival trait: it enables us to adapt.
Ask yourself why he’s in a hospital if he’s not ill; what kind of businessman he is if he’s $400million in debt; and how weak someone has to be to hide behind soldiers, then insist on a sit-down drive-by in what’s effectively an ambulance during an illness that hasn’t kicked in yet.
Trump’s stupidity will destroy him one day. Only thinking about what he’s doing will save everyone else.
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